Tokyo Cowgirl

Stuff Japanese People Like - Marriage

Japanese friendships can be confusing to navigate. You, as their gaijin friend, must always be on time, you must listen enthusiastically to their repetitive exclamations of oishii/kawaii/heat/cold/inherent Japanese superiority, and, above all else, you must pretend to be an avid supporter of marriage.

While marriage is the holy grail in most countries, this is not the case in Japan, because that would imply that marriage is something that is sought after. In Japan, it is not sought after, it is just done. If this is a frustrating concept for you, do not worry, the Japanese are frustrated by it as well, but as they are similarly pretending to be an avid supporter of marriage it is best for you, as their friend, to just play along. 

To understand the Japanese, you must understand one thing and only one thing: a Japanese person's life is little more than a series of to-do lists. Be born, check, wake up in the morning, check, eat sushi, check, get married, check. This is not to say that they ever wanted to be born or wake up in the morning or even eat sushi - they may not even like sushi - but because they are Japanese they are beholden to their to-do lists and even if the to-do list involves something they don't want to do, they will, no doubt about it, do it. 

Without a to-do list the Japanese wouldn't know what to do with themselves, they would be running around like the little Energizer bunnies that they are, not accomplishing anything and eventually self-destructing. There would be total chaos, twice as many suicides as there already are, and the entire culture would implode, leaving the world with one less economy to depend on.

So, as this is not a viable option, these to-do lists of theirs are very, very important, not just for them but for the good of humanity. If you are a fan of humanity, you should support your Japanese friends and help them accomplish their daily tasks when at all possible. But make no mistake, at some point in the life of every Japanese person that has ever crossed "being born" off of their list, their to-do list will expand to include a very expensive engagement ring, a really gaudy couture dress, and, naturally, a subsequent marriage.

This is not to say that they will like the person they are married to, most often this is not the case. This is also not to say that once married, children are then on the to-do list. Whatever their fascination with cute things may lead you to believe, Japanese people do not like children. In fact, they will make a point to stay as far away from them as possible. If they absolutely must, and only in the most extreme circumstances, they will (maybe) have one child (only one). Again, this doesn't happen very often as they would rather just have a dog, preferably a small pedigree one that they can dress up in a matching Burberry outfit. 

If you yourself are not married and you try to engage in a friendship with an unmarried Japanese person of the opposite sex, you should proceed with extreme caution. The Japanese are, if anything, strategic, and you could very likely end up married to one of them just by slipping up and having sex with them one time too many.

As scary as this prospect may seem, do not worry! Once married, you will quickly discover your new relationship, although now bound by a contractual obligation, to be a lot like your old relationship; you will sleep in separate areas and only talk to each other when absolutely necessary, and even then only about the weather.  

End note: Whatever you do, never ever tell a Japanese person that you have no plans on getting married. They will just stare at you and assume that you are certifiably insane and that no one will marry you, clearly the only reason you would make such an absurd claim, and therefor unworthy of any further interaction.

Stuff Japanese People Like - Kawaii

by Tokyo Cowgirl

Although it may seem to the untrained foreign ear that kawaii is the name of every mini-dog, every mini-girl, and every J-dude's haircut (often an anomaly in and of itself), this is, shockingly, not the case. Directly translated in English, the term kawaii means "cute". However, those of us that are lucky enough to be living in Japan know that the word cute is not a sufficient translation, for kawaii is not merely an adjective so much as kawaii is a religion, or, I daresay, cult.

Ever since Japanese men realized that their women would never quite develop into their Western Victoria Secret sisters, and ever since Japanese women realized that if they want to maintain some modicum of Japanese-iness they must pretend to be as child-like as possible, Japan has knelt down every day to the cult of kawaii.

 

Shintoism? So last century. Buddhism? Too Chinese. Christianity? Not Japanese enough. Scientology? Not weird enough. Disney? Hai.

To be blunt, bending over to the cute-centric ideology is imperative. The Japanese are a suicidal bunch and you don't want to send the wrong message by referring to their Hello Kitty obsession as "super ridiculous" instead of what you should say, "super cute!" Kawaii is, after all, a religion, and to not pledge allegiance to its many doe-eyed gods would be an affront to the Japanese culture, their economy, and their very existence.

Stuff Japanese People Like - Louis Vuitton

by Tokyo Cowgirl (with editorial inserts by V)

Now that V has written his Stuff Japanese People Like and received to/too much acclaim, he all of a sudden feels entitled to editorial overrides on my Stuff Japanese People Like posts [If "editorial override" means "make suggestion, receive dirty look, slink away," this is correct.]. Apparently my lawyer boyfriend [This whole "lawyer boyfriend" thing is like those people slyly dropping Barack HUSSEIN Obama in their speech] thinks he's funnier than I am now. Wow. I guess he forgot that I'm not exactly new to this blogging fad and that sometimes, surprising as it is, I actually do know how to string a few sentences together successfully and without his help [Notice how "spell correctly without his help" was artfully omitted here.]. Shocking. 

The Japanese are a materialistic bunch. For you see, in Japan, an article of clothing is not merely an article of clothing, it is territory to subtly advertise how much you spent on your coat/shoes/purse/dog carrier/keychain, and by extension, either how much you make (if you're a man) or how much your man makes (if you're a girl). It is for perhaps this reason that the esteemed French fashion house Louis Vuitton is the most coveted brand in Japan, even more so than Burberry, Chanel, Coach, and Hello Kitty. 

To be frank, the whole French thing would be a gigantic mark against Louis Vuitton's popularity in this not-so-foreigner-friendly island nation, except that being French guarantees two things: first, that it is imported, and second, that it is expensive - two things Japanese people love. This love of imported, expensive goods also piques their desire for really weird things that the rest of us shake our heads at, like their nationwide child-like infatuation with Disney characters and, more perplexing, their fascination with Tommy Lee Jones (is he really The Boss? I mean seriously? Ten years ago, maybe).   

There is another very important reason Louis Vuitton is well loved in Japan: conformity. The Japanese Way and Conformity are synonymous, meaning that in Japan your valued citizenship can be broken down into a simple equation:

Louis Vuitton = Japanese

No Louis Vuitton = not Japanese

That's right, Louis Vuitton may be French, but in Japan it's a way, nay, the way, to display your patriotism. There is no better way to proclaim your Japanese-iness than to go out and buy anything with enough square inchage to have the taupe LV insignia plastered all over it. Do not waste your time buying anything Louis Vuitton that does not clearly say Louis Vuitton - to do so would be a waste of money and worse, un-Japanese. 

One last thing, at all costs do not tell a Japanese person that logo bags went out of style right along with Jessica Simpson about three years ago. Instead, politely comment on how lovely the brown and the tan are, as well as how well the L compliments the V. Also, casually remark about the durability and versatility of Louis Vuitton luggage. Even if they have never purchased Louis Vuitton luggage the Japanese person will immediately assume that you are one of three things, wealthy or French or both. These characteristics, as has been noted before, will always work in your favor while you are in Japan.

Go V!

Let me just start off by congratulating V on a posting well done. I can't believe how great his Stuff Japanese People Like turned out - it was chirpy and well-written and not lawyer-ish at all. Even though I provided him with the topic he was able to type the whole thing out in the amount of time it took me to go out, get gloriously drunk, miss the last train, lose my brand freaking new red coat and cigarettes, get lost ten feet outside of the same bar my friends were waiting for me in, and hijack a gay non-English speaking host for directions. So yeah, not long at all.

To be perfectly honest (and possibly a little snide) I have to admit I didn't expect his Stuff Japanese People Like to be all that fantastic. Yes, I knew it would be written well, he is an ivy league grad after all, but I expected the sentences to be too long and peppered with too many polysyllabic words that not even Webster himself understands. Now I'm a little worried that maybe I should just have V do all of the Stuff Japanese People Like because I'm a tad bit insecure about my future installments for my own god damn series.

And believe it or not, I have been working on "the next one" - in fact, I have been working on the next one and a next one and even maybe the next one after that for the last four days, soon to be five. It's turning out to be a little bit harder than I expected, as in I'm about two key strokes away from slitting my wrists. All I can say is that I have lowered my standards for my Stuff Japanese People Like to this : doesn't suck. 

Stuff Japanese People Like: Lines

By V

My lovely (note: that was inserted by TC herself) girlfriend asked me to start off the Stuff Japanese People Like Series. Normally I try to take a passive role in her blog (actually, a completely nonexistent role, except for the random "anonymous" comment to boost TC's hit count (and ego, if we're being completely aboveboard here)), but what Tokyo Cowgirl wants, Tokyo Cowgirl gets (note: this slogan was created by TC, accompanied by an approving nod, no less). Besides, I thought it in my best interest to comply. God knows we don't need any more stuff broken around here.

It is one of the ironies of Japan, a sprawling cacophony offering the would-be pleasure-seeker a limitless supply of restaurants, department stores, bars, and the like, that one is nevertheless confronted by lines. These tend not to be your garden-variety "queues," but lines in the truest sense - winding and snaking their way around street corners, intervening construction, or other such obstructions. Some have even been known to traverse entire city wards, forming human bridges between Aoyama and Shibuya. Of course, this all takes place in a most orderly fashion - there is no pushing and shoving, the banter mainly consists of the occassional "sumimasen," and in the odd case -- as in the recent opening of H&M in Ginza -- a pockmarked, inscrutable uniformed security guard blandly monitors the proceedings.

The uninitiated will surely wonder what all the hullaballoo is about. In perfect seriousness, they may ask "is there a movie shooting here today?" or "are they waiting for tickets to something?," and they may even suggest that you should join in. 

Do not laugh at their naivete. Instead, you should patiently inform them that, while such possibilities would be perfectly logical in their home country, in Japan, the pot of gold is more likely (a) the chance to crowd your way into an already over-stuffed place for the opportunity to stand in another line should you actually want to buy anything, (b) depending on the number of Louis Vuitton bags or nervous, pimply-faced young men, macaroons or ramen, or (c) the latest innovation in red-bean jam gastronomy. 

On the other hand, you may desire to "fit in," as it were, or you may be accompanied by a Japanese friend who you'd like to impress. If so, quietly take your place at the end of the line. Complaining about the long wait or the utter idiocy of its ultimate "reward" is discouraged; however, Japanese love complaining about the weather, so remarks about how hot or cold it is are recommended. It doesn't matter if the day is perfectly clear and everyone else is seems to be perfectly at ease--a well timed "atsui desu ne" (it's hot, isn't it?) will most certainly draw an enthusiastic response and a sage nod of agreement. Without regard to your earlier comment, feel free to later bemoan, "samui desu ne," which will elicit a similar positive response. You should also liberally pepper the conversation with that most malleable of Japanese expressions, "sugoi" (whoa). The less you specify what this exclamation is in relation to, the better. Sugoi thus functions as a handy utterance that keeps all parties happy without anyone exactly defining what it is they're happy about, another thing Japanese prize greatly (J-friend: Isn't it wonderful to spend the four free hours I have this week waiting in this line? It IS hot outside, it's true, but the magazine said these takoyaki were really the end-all! You: Jesus f*ing Christ this line is long, and all for some f*ing octopus balls?!).

When you get to the front of the line, do not celebrate or betray undue emotion. Act as if you just happened to be in the neighborhood and wanted to do some shopping, satisfy your sweet tooth, grab a bite to eat, whatever, and now, here you are! Japanese are not big fans of individual public celebration, or even the audible sigh of relief (a favorite of TC's), so do your best to proceed like you hadn't been stuck in an interminable line for the last (insert ridiculous time here) hours.

With these tips in hand, you're sure to be an expert in no time. Otherwise, feel free to stay the f**k away from these manmade monstrosities -- trust me, with the incredible variety of places, superlative food, and great views that exist in this country, you're as likely to find your own amazing experience elsewhere. Just don't tell anyone else about it if you want to make a repeat visit. 

Stuff Japanese People Like

As much as I know how awesome you all are, which is super awesome, I also know that not all of you stick around Tokyo Cowgirl just so you can read about my almost daily hangovers and bipolar-like meltdowns. 

So, for those of you who care more about my Japan-related wittiness and less about me, I would like to introduce you to Stuff Japanese People Like, an exciting new series and a completely and totally blatant rip-off of another very popular idea, Stuff White People Like.

This new installment is going to be fan-freaking-tastic, even more so than the Character/Creature of Japan series, although I am keeping those in circulation and will be adding to them periodically.

Here's a little sneak-peek at what you can look forward to reading very soon:

Stuff Japanese People Like : Lines 

Stuff Japanese People Like : Schoolgirls

Anyone have any great ideas for this new series or want to guest write along with J.T.? Email me or leave a comment, I would love to hear from you!