Tokyo Cowgirl

home sweet home

I went to Dallas last weekend with Diva, I can't say that I have ever had a better trip back home. Shockingly enough, I was actually sad to get on my NYC-bound American Airlines flight back to LGA. Sad might not even be the right word as I have been back several days now and still feel sort of shitty about leaving. Why? I don't know, maybe it has to do with my parents. Everything is fine between us right now, despite the fact that the three of us share about as many similarities as Adolph Hitler and Santa Clause's eight happy reindeer. 

There is something about seeing your parent sliding into death's grip right before your eyes that forces you to grow up. No, I'm not being melodramatic or self-indulgent, I'm talking about my 83, soon to be 84 year-old father. If either of your parents are alive or younger than 70 you're not entitled to any bold assertions that you "understand" what this must feel like - you're not there yet, you have no idea what the hell you're talking about.

While I wouldn't describe my relationship with my father as a particularly tight-knit one, I would say that he is my only relative that didn't abandon me during my rebellious stage and he is one of maybe five people I know well that has never lied to me, disappointed me, or taken advantage of me. It breaks my heart that he can't say the same for me. 

When I was little I used to pray for several things, one of them was to be pretty. The other one was for "Mommy, Daddy, my grandmother and I to die at the same time." My grandmother passed away a long time ago so I know that this is one little request that the heavens decided not to grant me. When my father dies, hopefully not for a long time, I'm going to know a new kind of maturity, the kind of maturity that comes with losing a parent. It seems so mind-bogglingly painful to me, I can't imagine how anyone manages to live through it. 

Dear Readers

So here's the deal... I love blogging, I really really do, but I also love my anonymity and my job. Well, not so much my job, but having a job has been a big plus in my life, especially for my checking account. As for my anonymity, it seems to be nonexistent at this point. All of my friends know about this blog, as well as my mom and dad, and because I'm always spewing shit out all over the internet (and almost every single day) I have managed during the one year span of this blog to frustrate/enrage/irritate almost every single person that has ever had the pleasure of knowing me personally.

Once, after a posting about drugs, my mother broke her strict no-talking-to-me policy to tell me that I was putting my dad in an early grave and that, if I should happen to be having second thoughts about my decision to stop snorting cocaine for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, then maybe I should let them know now, before I blow everything I have on blow.

And then there is the subject of my on-again/off-again boyfriend, V. I'm not even going to go there right now. Do you know why? Because he reads this, that's why.

It has gotten so bad that, if I haven't heard from a friend in several weeks, I automatically assume that one post or another has pissed them off and they have decided not to talk to me anymore. But, as many problems as I have encountered because of this blog, I never once anticipated my jobby job to be compromised. And it hasn't been - yet - but thanks to a close encounter with reality recently I realized that it very easily could be. So I password protected my site and unpublished almost all of my blog entries for the past seven months.

I think you can tell where this is going. I have loved having this blog, through it I have met and become friends with so many amazing people - from Aislin in Indiana to a reality TV producer in L.A. to a Green Eyed Geisha in Japan to a real-life princess with a red passport that is going to kick my ass after she reads this post, but I can't continue discussing every little detail of my life the way I have been. And, since I refuse to censor myself, I'm left with very few alternatives.

Yeah, I will still spit out nonsense occasionally (I'm thinking about going back to my Characters Of Japan Series and expanding it) and, as always, I'm only an email away, but from now on Tokyo Cowgirl is going to be less Cowgirl, more Tokyo (slash Texas slash New York City). Hopefully you understand, and hopefully you'll stick around for my future antics, however obscure they may be.

Talk to you later!

XXX
~Me