going bananas

The news hasn't been so great lately. 

For starters, Sarah Palin's all too bright spotlight has been eclipsed by Joe the Plumber's ignorance. C'mon people, middle class America is not this ridiculous. The U.S. didn't get to the top of the food chain by showing the rest of the world how discouragingly unenlightened we can be. In the future, or more accurately, if we're planning on there being anything that resembles a future, how about we do ourselves a gigantic favor and remember that if every news station in the country is parked in our front driveway there is a very, very good chance that we need to know what we're talking about before we step in front of a camera. If you're a specialist on the subject, then by all means, dive into social security, Obama's proposed tax cuts, and the war in Iraq. But if you're a plumber, keep it simple, talk about plumbing. If you're Sarah Palin, keep it simple, don't talk at all. 

(An additional helpful side note to all Americans in the news including John McCain: Take a clue from Obama, the I in Iraq is not long, so it's pronounced ear-rack, not i-rack. This is similarly true for Iran, except it should sound like ear-ron, not ear-ran. Also, contrary to whatever W might have you believe, Pakistan should not be spoken with a long a-sound. That is all, kthxbye.)

Next, and you should know about this unless you have been hiding under a rock for the past two weeks, the United States is losing a very important game of Monopoly right now. We've just sold all of our utilities to congress and Asia has bought up Park Place along with all of those fancy orange properties and even a few of the green ones. Right now it seems like the only thing keeping the U.S. afloat are those cheap purple squares that nobody wants, the $200 dollars we get for passing go, and a few get-out-of-jail-free cards.

It's amazing to think that in 8 years an entire empire can turn belly up, leaving America literally for sale and a president running for the exit. But sadly, this seems to be the case.

Fortunately though, and this is pretty fucking remarkable considering it seems to be dominating the headlines these days, America's financial crisis is being overshadowed by a larger, more menacing problem. There is in fact something far more worrisome being reported on recently, a far better example of raging stupidity, and it's happening right here on my side of the planet.

BANANA SHORTAGE IN JAPAN

This isn't going to come as a big surprise to anyone who has been to a Tokyo grocery store recently, but Japan is in a state of emergency due to a severe banana shortage. No, that wayward monkey loose on the Tokyo subway did not steal all of the aforementioned yellow imports. Alas, it is worse than that. 

A celebrity, an individual who shall remain nameless to conceal her otherwise inconsequential identity, advertised on a popular TV show that she lost 15ibs in six weeks by eating nothing more than bananas and a glass of room temperature water for breakfast, followed by a sensible lunch and dinner (sans dessert) and bed before midnight.

What? You mean to tell me that if you lower your caloric intake, don't skip breakfast, and get a good night's rest you will lose weight??? 

Shocking!

The women of Japan, in yet another successful attempt to prove to me that they are in serious need of a self-esteem and a better health education, gobbled up the fad diet and every banana available for sale, leading to the worst banana shortage in the nation's history. 

There are many many many fundamental problems with this diet but I'm going to skip those and make a beeline for the most obvious one - most Japanese women do not need to lose weight. By virtue of simply being Japanese they are also skinny, so skinny in fact that the majority of the demographic weighs little more than 100lbs. They have less of an ass than they do an inverted A-cup, two problems that can not be rectified with a banana every morning alongside a glass of tepid tap water. 

Someone needs to inform these ladies that looking like an anorexic fifth grader is not hot, not at all. Moreover, if they are dating a man that thinks it is hot then he himself is probably dealing with a few things, namely pedophilia.   

In Tokyo at least, the majority of us enjoy a healthy, ambulatory lifestyle that includes a nutritious diet of fish and fish with a side of fish. The Japanese enjoy the highest life expectancy rates in the world, and this is despite their stunning ability to inhale a carton of cigarettes every five minutes.  

The banana diet fad will die out, just as every fad diet has died out before, and the Japanese women will be left with exactly what they started out with. 

A size 0 figure that most of the world would kill for. 

And an inverted A-cup, of course.

Comments

[Aislin]

Yeah things are kind of crazy around here politically. But it's funny that you brought up the Monopoly game thing, because McDonalds is running the game. Don't know if it reaches Japan or not. But yeah I can see what you are saying.

Yeah I hate it when women can naturally fit into size 0s. Even when I was not eating because of stress and weighted 105lbs I could only fit into a size 6 jeans. My hip and pevlic bones are that wide. I wish I could loose some weight, and you what I use to eat a banana every morning and eat healthy. I didn't have sweets beacause I couldn't aford any and I didn't lose wieght. I think Japanese are skinny, not just because of their diet, it's all the walking they do. I sit a an desk all day and my rear gets wider, when I worked in retail I was walking miles a day and I could eat what I wanted and stayed a good weight. But yeah I hate that they are always so f'n skinny. Makes me envious.

[john turningpin]

Ooooh, that goddamn banana diet has me seething with its stupidity. It's not the worst thing that's ever hit these shores though. About 10 years ago, there was a *balloon* diet that people were going nuts about. Yeah, balloons -- you sit around blowing balloons because it's "good exercise." Go for a walk 'round the block, you idiots!

[billywest]

Where is the Japanese equivalent of Dennis Miller when we need him (or her)?

[kelley]

LOL!

I noticed the book of the "Banana Diet" is a bestseller at my local bookstore. Makes me wonder how they could write a whole book out of a one step diet...

I wonder if it goes:

Day 1: eat a banana and drink some water for breakfast

Day 2: eat a banana and drink some water for breakfast

Day 3: eat a banana and drink some water for breakfast

Etc.