Introduction: Operation Diddily Squat

According to last week's Metropolis, out of the 16.9 million blogs written in Japan only 20% are written by Japanese people.

If you're a Westerner in Japan you're likely either (A) an English teacher, (B) a translator, (C) a consultant, or (D) a pervert.

We can therefore conclude that out of the 16.9 million blogs from Japan, 13.5 million are almost all written by English teachers, translators, consultants, and perverts.  Seeing as I know a few people in all four of those categories, this can not be a good thing for the general public.   Readers, I understand your pain.  With the exception of a few innovative blogs on Japan (all of which coincidentally happen to be featured to your left under Random Play) you're inundated with 13.5 million blogs that all pretty much feature the same thing, seven days a week.  If it's not full color photos of Mr.Fuji from 360 different angles (English teachers), it's pictures of Japanese girls in their high school uniforms walking up stairs and bending over things (translators, consultants, and perverts). 

So, in an effort to not be boring, cliche, or any more perverse than I already am, I would like to introduce you to...

Operation Diddily Squat

(...sinisterly twiddles fingers...)

But first, a teaser:

For those of you that enjoyed the immensely popular Do you have a beard?, I have good news:  new ads!   That's right!  Friday is not only the end of the work week, it's when we all get to sit down together and enjoy a new round of salacious personal ads!  A He-She looking for a She-He, Mr.Wrong seeking out Mrs.Right, and (new this week) a milkman eager to make "deliveries"!   

As soon as I pick up the newest Metropolis from Roppongi I will be sure to pass the best of this week's ads along to you.  And by best I mean worst.  Until then, the personal ads are available for your viewing pleasure right here, although you will find that the magazine doesn't provide the emails of these people directly.  You either have to contact them through Metropolis or wait for me to post them on my blog.  (Apparently they think it's less discreet to publish the email addresses in their printed copy.  It is, after all, only Japan's #1 English magazine. No one reads that, right?)

Back to Operation Diddily Squat. 

I have a girlfriend, you have a boyfriend, but we're cute and sexy so let's have fun together! Very handsome UK guy, 28, seeks cute JF, 18-30, for great times!

Let me begin by posing a not-too-unreasonable question;  Assuming that everything we're reading here is true, which is a big assumption, why does Captain Lame-bot even bother having a girlfriend?  For cuddling?  Get a teddy bear, Lame-bot.  Even better; one of those blow up dolls you can have sex with.   

Who are these sick, selfish, and altogether impish souls lurking around in the Metropolis' hind quarters, waiting to snatch up any snatch they see fit, regardless of who is waiting for them at home? 

It is my objective, through Operation Diddily Squat, to make a mockery out of these individuals.  I'm going to contact them, pretend like I'm interested, and post all of the related correspondence on my blog.  It's mischief making with a purpose, and I can't wait to get started! 

Before some of you go all Ghandi on me and cut your subscription to my blog, please realize that these men are asking for this.  No, this isn't to say these men are "asking for it" the way a convicted rapist says his victim was "asking for it" by wearing the color pink, but by advertising their philandering ways in the Metropolis these men are welcoming Operation Diddily Squat with open arms!  It's a win/win!  Even if it doesn't end well, say they figure out my IP address and come murder me, at least my untimely demise will be more entertaining than 360 full color pictures of Mt.Fuji.

I haven't decided which men to contact yet, but they will definitely be married and/or have girlfriend(s), and they will more than likely be Westerners.  Far be it from me to come to Japan and make fun of a local... I mean really.

Yaye!!!

Comments

[jturningpin]

I do believe this is the single greatest post in the history of blogdom. Let me know if you ever print out any "I support Operation Diddily Squat!" stickers. I'd want one.

[Ashleigh]

OMG. I'm Dying. trying to compose myself and not laugh out loud and attract the attention of my entire office :) I love operation diddly squat!!

[Mr. Salaryman]

I fully support this important operation and if you'll allow me to give some suggestions here which you are free to take or ignore as you please.

Wouldn't it be funny to out-pervert these guys and see how much they can take in terms of freaks?

That is start out normal and say that you'd like to mail for a little bit before you meet. Possibly asking them to tell you what they would like to do to you and that you will do the same and the gradually raising the perversity level.

Also, first attach a nice photo and the after a couple of mails attach another ugly photo and say that "this is the real me, I didn't want to scare you away, I hope you like me as I really am".

Anyway, I will very eagerly follow this operation and I promise to promote it in a post in my blog once things have taken off a bit!

Don't feel bad about them as long as you don't post pictures or anything they're anonymous anyway so they don't get their reputations or so hurt!

Keep it up!

[Karen Olivia]

I lived in Tokyo for two years (I'm from California.) I wish I had a blog like yours to read when I lived there, your posts are hilarious. The personal ads from Metropolis are definitely great entertainment :)

Cheers,
Karen O